seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
