i just wanna soil my oats bro
Farmville is her only friend.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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