i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
