I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
sex in a hospital.. check
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
