It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
