omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
