Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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