Will you blow on my dice?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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