He uses pillows to masturbate.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
