So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm at about main and main street
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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