FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you traded sex for a burrito?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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