He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
