conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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