yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
