I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
