I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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