hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize