She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
