Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
