You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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