The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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