My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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