I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
