Apparently you make a good broom.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
