i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
