I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
