He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
