your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
