Taylor Swift is so right about you.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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