Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
