she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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