I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
