Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
