I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize