i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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