dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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