they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you didnt know i had herpes?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Boobs speak an international language.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
