i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
