i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
