how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
This house was built for laser tag.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
