I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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