The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
