What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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