She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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