Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize