In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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