Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
