Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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