I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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