Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
