so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
