i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
