your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
