yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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