'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
