I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
