Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
