I didn't shave. On purpose
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
