I think i sorta joined a cult last night
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
