Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize