we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
