So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
