wanna go halves on a baby?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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